Witch | No, it’s not that one! But a tangled Elizabethan-era horror

In a small English town in 1575, a book of spells and a magical elixir set in motion a chain of events over four days that might help blacksmith William (Ryan Spong) save his wife Twyla (Sarah Alexandra) when she is set to trial accused of witchcraft.

Dark forces are at work and have something to do with bearded stranger Thomas (Russell Shaw) and a blood-splattered young woman, Johanna Fletcher (Mims Burton), who has just butchered her parents in the middle of the night. Add a witchfinder judge (Daniel Jordan), who is determined to cleanse the town of sin, and a sword-wielding investigating marshall (Fabrizio Santino), and the stage is set for an Elizabethan-era horror adventure.

As a fan of classic witchy folk horror fare like Witchfinder General (1968) and Blood on Satan’s Claw (1971) and even the exploitation riffs Mark of the Devil (1970) and The Bloody Judge (1970), I was hoping this might follow in their footsteps. But unfortunately, it doesn’t.

Yes, the sets (at Foti Studios, Hungary), lighting, photography, and special effects are well-staged, but the make-up and hair, as well as nicely turned-out period costumes, make the good-looking young cast come off looking like Love Islanders playing dress-up. Where’s the dirt, grime and mud that would evoke the era its set in?

While the cast avail themselves well in their respective roles (Russell Shaw’s Thomas is very Gandalf meets Falstaff), the screenplay is all over the shop. You have to get to around the 48-minute mark to find out what it’s all about – which is totally tangled, involving the underworld (a la Orpheus and Eurydice), multiple worlds (I think) and time travel (which Catweazle did way better). Then you have to sit through the beginning at the end again.

While those ideas look great on paper, they don’t work here. And it’s made even more confusing by a modern-day scene during the end credits. Maybe a few more drafts by multi-tasking filmmakers Craig Hinde (Frankenstein’s Creature) and Marc Zammit (Homeless Ashes) might have helped iron out these problems before getting their cameras rolling.

Witch is out on digital platforms from 29 April from 101 Films. If you do plan to watch it, check out the tavern scene at the 25-minute mark, when the boom comes into frame. While snacking on your fried chicken and downing ale, raise a toast to the gaffe three times.